{My Maternity, My Newborn}

Today is September 25th, and 5 years ago today my daughter was born.
Today we celebrate her 5th birthday, and an excited little girl we have indeed.

But i find that each year at this time i reflect back on my pregnancy and her birth, those first week days and weeks… i suppose this is normal, a common mum-thing to do.

And i write this post as someone who has been there, and has now missed out. Not as a photographer or some great sales pitch… but as a mum, who wishes that she knew what she did now back then and had taken the opportunity while it was there rather than sitting her five years on writing about how much she wishes she had. I write this as a mum. A woman. Someone just like you.

In all honesty, i didn’t even know people went and had maternity images taken! I would have jumped at it back then, gosh i was skinny and had a little bump, i liked my pregnant body. And after she was born, i missed my tummy. I was horribly sick throughout my whole pregnancy, and when i look back, that is all i have to remember it by. I don’t have anything beautiful, or sentimental. I don’t have anything to show my daughter of when she was in there with me every day. I have two images. That is it. Two. One is of me being sprung going to the toilet yet again. And the other at the airport with a winter coat on where you can’t even tell there is a belly there. There isn’t any images connecting me to my unborn child, showing any emotion or love for the life i, or my husband, had created. Nor the excitement or anticipation of Jade about to become a big sister. I don’t remember what i looked like, i like to think i do but i don’t have anything to reflect on or refresh on that memory that fades that little bit more each year.

And when she was born, we have a handful of images, most of which are horribly pixelated or have a horrible blue cast over them from the hospital lighting. There are a couple of nice ones, that we took while in hospital but to tell the truth, these images only exist on Facebook, we lost our original files when our hard-drive crashed a few years back. So these aren’t even printable. There are some images where Alanah has a tube in her nose, others where she is under the UV lights for being jaundice, wearing goggles that were almost as big as her whole face. My little girl, those first few days, and i have next to nothing to hold onto but the memory. And saying this now, it almost reduces me to tears, thinking about what i could have done, what we could have had, but don’t. And won’t. Ever.

I don’t know how tiny her hands where next to mine. Or the wrinkles in her feet. I don’t know what i looked like when i held her. Or can’t remember how complete our family felt. I don’t remember how chubby her thighs were, or the colour of the whispy bits of hair. Or what she looked like curled up tight, a precious little thing, so small, so new, and all mine. I can’t properly show Alanah how proud Jade looked when she held her, or gently kissed her.

Often at the time, you don’t think its a big deal… you think that its not important or something that you can live without, you think you will do it later and later becomes further down the list…

But you don’t take maternity images for them right in those moments, you take them for the moments that haven’t come yet.

And newborn, you baby is only new born once. And within days, not weeks or months, but days your baby will change. And when that baby is like mine now, all grown up at 5 years, he/she will want to look at their baby photos. You will want to look back.

These moments are priceless. And i have paid the price by missing out with Alanah. And it breaks my heart to know that.

So here i am, on my daughters 5th birthday, looking back at the only images that i have. Wishing i had what my clients do, and feeling so blessed that i have been able to give them what i don’t have myself.

{as always} x

Alanah Jane Searle
Born 25th September 2008

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One thought on “{My Maternity, My Newborn}

  1. Pingback: The Best Of All Worlds {Collections} | C A P T U R E D by koorine {photography}

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